Goes in here, comes out there ...
Maybe it has to do with listening to yesterday's show on the podcast and finding out that MarciaMarciaMarcia was at Benson's on Saturday with Toxic Jock. I am so glad I didn't see them.
Then I got to thinking about how I do NOT want to go to the event on Thursday if there is any chance she's going to be there. I started weighing all my options: I can try to find out if Shields is open tonight or tomorrow night or if they'll still take donations Friday. I know they're not open Saturday, because I went there after Benson's hoping to drop off my tools.
Then there's the other option: I can return the tools I bought or simply keep them. I can use a cat's paw, and while I already have a hammer, I can always use another -- one for the house and one to keep with the tent stakes, perhaps? It would be cool to give them to Habitat, but the response has been so huge they won't be missed.
Bottom line? I have expended a hell of a lot of mental energy these past few days over two people -- ToxicJock and MarciaMarciaMarcia -- who couldn't care less if I dropped off the face of the earth. Yes, both of them once cared about me, but as June C. pointed out, that is ancient history.
When I realized I could spare myself a whole lot of nervousness and awkwardness simply by IGNORING THE WHOLE FUCKING EVENT, I was finally able to hear what June has been trying to tell me: I need to move on. It's been more than a year since I was truly obsessed with trying to get TJ to care again, but there's still been that part of me that wants him to still feel SOMETHING -- even if it's just some remorse for causing me that year and a half of suffering, or pleasure at my willingness to support his pet causes. I've even been wishing I could spare $250 to buy an hour of Thursday's show, just to knock his socks off.
No more. No more will everything that "goes in here" automatically "come out there." Not my "there."
The more I think about my early connection with TJ the less impressed I am with what went down back then. The conversation was good but not the Greatest MindMeld Ever. The attention was intoxicating, but intoxication causes hangovers and other consequences. It was like crack, but -- say it, June! -- crack is bad for you!
Time will tell if I can continue to listen, but I hope I can. When I broke free of the obsession I was able to enjoy the show. It's only since Marcia that I've found it difficult again. But what I'm feeling now is similar to the sensation of freedom I felt once the obsession broke, so that's a good sign.
Anyone wanna buy some baggage?
Then I got to thinking about how I do NOT want to go to the event on Thursday if there is any chance she's going to be there. I started weighing all my options: I can try to find out if Shields is open tonight or tomorrow night or if they'll still take donations Friday. I know they're not open Saturday, because I went there after Benson's hoping to drop off my tools.
Then there's the other option: I can return the tools I bought or simply keep them. I can use a cat's paw, and while I already have a hammer, I can always use another -- one for the house and one to keep with the tent stakes, perhaps? It would be cool to give them to Habitat, but the response has been so huge they won't be missed.
Bottom line? I have expended a hell of a lot of mental energy these past few days over two people -- ToxicJock and MarciaMarciaMarcia -- who couldn't care less if I dropped off the face of the earth. Yes, both of them once cared about me, but as June C. pointed out, that is ancient history.
When I realized I could spare myself a whole lot of nervousness and awkwardness simply by IGNORING THE WHOLE FUCKING EVENT, I was finally able to hear what June has been trying to tell me: I need to move on. It's been more than a year since I was truly obsessed with trying to get TJ to care again, but there's still been that part of me that wants him to still feel SOMETHING -- even if it's just some remorse for causing me that year and a half of suffering, or pleasure at my willingness to support his pet causes. I've even been wishing I could spare $250 to buy an hour of Thursday's show, just to knock his socks off.
No more. No more will everything that "goes in here" automatically "come out there." Not my "there."
The more I think about my early connection with TJ the less impressed I am with what went down back then. The conversation was good but not the Greatest MindMeld Ever. The attention was intoxicating, but intoxication causes hangovers and other consequences. It was like crack, but -- say it, June! -- crack is bad for you!
Time will tell if I can continue to listen, but I hope I can. When I broke free of the obsession I was able to enjoy the show. It's only since Marcia that I've found it difficult again. But what I'm feeling now is similar to the sensation of freedom I felt once the obsession broke, so that's a good sign.
Anyone wanna buy some baggage?
posted by niicelaady @ 8:29 PM
1 Comments:
At 6:07 AM,
The Bean said…
Don't let him get you down NL - he's not worth it. And you already have someone you love very much. So don't waste your time worrying. I would return the tools and use that money to donate to Red Cross, if you wanted.
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