OMG, maybe I am nuts!

Apologies to those who have read this on the Box or my board. I'm looking for feedback on this wherever I can find it.

My counselor has said before (we have only had four sessions) that she thinks my problems might be biochemically based. She repeated that tonight, only she used the word "psychiatric."

Me: OK, I know you're not an M.D. (she's a Clinical Social Worker), but if you had to take a stab at it, what does your gut say in terms of what meds I should be on? Antidepressants? Anti-anxiety? Antipsychotic? (the last said with a smile, which she returned).

Her: Well, you need a psychiatrist to make a real diagnosis, but I'm thinking maybe an anxiety disorder, maybe a mood disorder ...

Me (semi-facetiously): I KNEW IT! Bipolar disorder is contagious! (I used to joke about this all the time because JR had me on such an emotional roller coaster.)

But seriously, she thinks I might very well have Bipolar II. I always thought of bipolar as being bouncing off the walls, staying up all night, yada yada, followed by a crash and maybe suicidal thoughts. Not me.

But that's Bipolar I. With Bipolar II, things are more subtle. My obsessive streak -- which led to getting hijacked by JR, to an ill-advised attempt at a midlife career change, to crushes on friends that have driven them away -- could very well be my own BPII form of "mania." And I don't get suicidal, but I definitely can get into funks where I'm down on myself and feel useless, worthless and hopeless. I had a bad one just this weekend.

I'm withholding judgment until I DO see an M.D., but it certainly would explain a lot.

And if it turns out I am bipolar, I'll do the one thing I still admire JR for: I'll be open about it and do my part to erase the stigma attached to mental illness. That book I'm working on might go in a whole new direction -- who knows?

Lots to think about.

Week from hell ... and it's only Wednesday

Saturday: NiiceDuude and I are supposed to go to a birthday party at the brew pub for a friend of ours -- a small-f friend, not someone we're supertight with. I am stone broke, and I have a meltdown because I simply don't have the $20 or so it would cost to order a couple of beers and an entree (I'm assuming this is a let's all meet at the brewpub, order off the menu, Dutch treat, sing Happy Birthday kind of party). I don't want to ask ND to spot me -- he's done too much of that over the past few years. So I tell him to go without me if he wants. I go home, spend the whole day wallowing on the poverty pity pot. He did go to the pub and it turns out a buffet was provided an the drinks were covered. It wouldn't have cost me anything! D*mn!

Sunday: I'm feeling better, but Mother Nature isn't. The Mother of All Ice Storms arrives. I'm a wuss about winter driving, so even though the roads are reasonably passable, I worry about what they'll be like after dark, when, if I went to our monthly folk club meeting, I'd be coming home (about 40 miles). So I skip that. I'm starting to have flashbacks to the Toxic Jock Syndrome years, when I isolated myself from ND, friends and fun stuff. Different reasons now, but same outcome.

Monday: Is a holiday in the U.S. but I don't get the day off. I take the day off because the driving is still hinky. I have paid time, Mondays are a slow day at my job, no biggie.
Then my power goes out. Stays out for a couple of hours, comes back on for about three, goes out AGAIN. Out all night. I have electric heat. I'm chilly but not freezing.
Tuesday: Normal work day. I get home, still no power. I pack clothes and go to NiiceDuude's house. He's out playing with his band so I let myself in. Pleasant evening.

Today: I get up, shower, dress, leave ND's around 5:30 a.m. Temperature is in the single digits. My car is making a huge racket, but I figure it's just cold. Its previous owner was the Commonwealth of Virginia, this is the first really cold day of its life.
Nope, wasn't cold. I had a flat tire! By the time I figured this out, the tire was SHREDDED.

I'm not far from ND's house. I call him out of his nice warm bed and he comes to try to change the tire. It's dark, it's freezing, the tire isn't budging, the jack slips ... we call AAA and sit in his car and wait an hour for them to arrive.

AAA guy puts on the spare, I'm on my way. The ride is kind of loud and bumpy, but I figure that's par for the course with these "doughnut" spares that are smaller than the other wheels and only designed to get you to the nearest Tires R Us.

It gets worse. You guessed it, the spare is toast, too. Fortunately, I'm able to limp into the next town and find a garage. They fix me up with a new tire -- for $70 that I don't have. Fortunately I DO have a bank that is very forgiving about overdrafts.

There is some good news: My power is back on. While I was at ND's last night, I ran into his landlord and got him to deal with some nagging problems ND had been having with the place (LL's job has him keeping goofy hours so ND is reluctant to knock on his door when he's home for fear of waking him.)

But darn, I am exhausted. Is it Friday yet? Is it next Friday (payday) yet?

Sorry to go on and on ... anyone got some cheese to go with my whine?

Obsession pays off ... or does it?

This is an edited version of another Catbox post.

I have read and heard over the years that everything we do, we do because there is a "payoff"; we are getting something out of it.

I have no dealings with Toxic Jock (that's J.R. Gach, for those who might be Googling) whatsoever. It's been almost four years since he did his hit-and-run emotional rape act, and more than two years since I broke free of the acute obsession that had me e-mailing him daily, trying to reawaken those (false) feelings he'd once expressed for me.

BUT ... I still think about him a LOT. With anger, resentment and bitterness. I despise him for what he did to me, my psyche, my finances and my relationships. I resent him for my being in this situation where every day is still a struggle to repair all those damaged parts of my life.

I still check radio boards daily -- several times daily -- for news about him, preferably news that his career and/or his current relationship have crashed and burned. He just started his new venture -- an Internet radio show -- this week, so there has been more news than usual on the Internet, and I am devouring it. (The relationship is still intact. I refuse to listen to his show, but word from those who have is that it's horrible.)

I find myself in this condition mostly during the work week, when I am not interacting with others. (I live alone and I work as a writer/copy editor, which doesn't require much face-to-face with my co-workers.) When I'm with NiiceDuude, with friends, practicing with the Solidarity Singers or Pokingbrook, Toxic rarely if ever pops into my head.)

And I wonder WHY. What am I getting out of this? What's the payoff for hanging onto these feelings of bitterness, resentment and hatred?

Could it be that letting it go would feel like downplaying, minimizing or invalidating what he did? HE is not wasting a nanosecond on me, so perhaps my expending so much energy on it is my way of ensuring that it doesn't go unacknowledged/unpunished. (Like being the only one visiting someone's grave regularly, to make sure that somebody remembers.) Except that the one who really DESERVES the punishment isn't getting it; I am.

And I WANT him punished. I am THIS CLOSE to writing the "Oh, my God, you killed NiiceLaady! You bastard!" letter, and sending it, even though I know that it will probably go unanswered ... and laughed at.

My obsession no longer feels like something out of my control. I feel as if I can stop it, IF I can find the cause.

I posted this later:

This is the thought that came to me today as I was reading and digesting everyone's responses:

"SOMEONE has to take it seriously!"

I wasn't just "loved and left." I was emotionally raped. This man (and I use that term loosely) pretended to have feelings for me that caused me to have feelings I didn't even WANT to have, then tossed me aside. This turned my world upside down and inside out and shrank it to a tiny J.R.-sized ball of pain. For almost TWO YEARS.

Letting go, to me, means giving in to all the well-meaning folks (not here) who have told me, "Jeez, get over it already. What's the big deal? You can barely call what you had a relationship. And you've got a great guy! Why do you even give a cr@p about J.R.? He's not worth it!"

It IS a big deal, and someone has to keep making it one until ...

Until what? That's the big question.

I am SO glad I have a therapist visit tomorrow.

Wanna-do list revisited

Last year I didn't make resolutions; I made a "wanna-do" list instead (thanks SyncretistFool). Here's how it worked out.

Practice guitar at least once a week. (didn't happen)

Play music with NiiceDuude at least twice a month. (a couple of times but not once a month)

Meet my cyberfriend Bean in person (not yet).

Visit the library at least once a month. (every other month is more like it)

Find some interesting low/no-carb recipes. (found a couple)

Get to know MMB better. (on our way)

Learn "A Gathering of Spirits." (a great song, but not yet)

Learn "Calling All the Children Home." (see previous)

Create a morris dance to "Tiptoe Through the Tulips" for the Tulip Festival. (did that)

Sell at least one article or short story. (no)

Call my mom more, and send her pictures. (working on that)

Save something out of each paycheck. (tried but failed -- too much fiscal baggage/back debts from the Toxic Jock era)

Get a professional bra fitting. (yes, but I'm still not satisfied)

Resume home brewing. (yes, made a batch for NiiceDuude's birthday in November)

Finish baby afghans for my expectant friends and co-worker. (done)

Buy a pair of jeans that fits and flatters. (done)

Plant something in my flower bed. (done)

Get new glasses. (done)

Attend doo-wop at least once a month. (more like every other, but not my fault! As soon as I get back in, other things intervene -- it gets canceled, or ND and I have other commitments)

Exercise peripheral vision. (no)

Learn all the words to "That's What Friends Are For" (if only I could find them)

Buy an Old Songs Brick with "It's a Pleasure to Know You." (done)

Offer something on Freecycle at least once a month. (went long stretches without, but did some binges, so I think it evens out)

Try to make someone else's day as often as possible. (yes)

Dig out one of the craft supplies I bought years ago (rug braiding kit, copper cross-stitch magnets) and complete a project. (no)

Make dinner (or breakfast, or both) for NiiceDuude at least once a month. (more like every other, it is more convenient to stay at his place than to have him here)

Host an a cappella sing. (no)

So all the things I didn't get to are on my wanna-do list for 2007. All the things I did get to, I hope to keep doing.

Oh, yeah, and lose 50 pounds.

Happy New Year, everyone!