Why Lisa Nowak lost it

I'm fascinated by the story of Lisa Nowak, the astronaut who stalked and assaulted her romantic rival and is now facing attempted murder charges. Um, doesn't attempted murder imply actually attempting to kill someone? She had some nasty props with her, but the only thing she actually used on Colleen Shipman was pepper spray -- which is unpleasant, but not life-threatening.

It's not morbid curiosity at a sensational story that has me following this story so closely. It's grabbed me because I have been there. No, I have never physically harmed anyone I thought I loved, or his significant other. I haven't even fantasized about it. But I have been driven to distraction on many, many occasions because I was so sure that I was meant to be with someone who didn't want to be with me. I'm not just talking about J.R. Before my life was derailed by his seductive lies, there were many others. I remember my college semesters not by which courses I was taking but which guy I was obsessed with.

Certain people love to blame sex and graphic violence in entertainment for all the ills of society. The kids play Grand Theft Auto or listen to rap and metal, they'll turn into criminals. They see scantily clad girls gyrating in music videos, hawking beer or getting it on with hot guys on the soaps, here come the teen pregnancies and STDs.

They're missing a far more insidious influence in our media, one that predates television, movies and recorded music. It's the Myth of the Soul Mate.

It's everywhere, in Greek mythology, in Shakespeare, in movies, soaps, romance novels and songs. Oh, the songs. "Can't live if livin' is without you." "Oh, dear God, it must be him, or I shall die!" Shall I go on?

And we -- women mostly, but guys aren't immune -- believe that there is one person we are destined to be with. Sometimes that belief is fueled by hormones -- the sex is incredible, or the desire he makes me feel is overwhelming. Sometimes it's intellectual -- the conversations we have are brilliant, we enjoy all the same things, finish each other's sentences, he laughs at all my jokes. For me, it's generally been the latter. I'm a sucker for anyone who laughs at my jokes and thinks like me (people who think like me are a rare breed).

If that person doesn't want to be with us, we panic. How can they defy destiny? We are driven to do whatever it takes to change his mind.

Susan Smith and Diane Downs killed their children because they were in love with men who didn't want kids.

Betty Broderick shot her husband and his lover, and Jean Harris killed her ex-lover, because they couldn't stand the thought of their beloved being with someone else.

Amy Fisher tried to kill Mary Jo Buttafuoco because she thought if MJ was out of the picture, she and Joey could be together at last.

And Lisa Nowak tried to take action -- at this writing, it was unclear what she wanted that action to be -- against the woman she thought stood between her and the man she loved, the man she reportedly left her husband for.

I don't think for a minute that these women shouldn't have been punished for what they did. Killing and maiming others is a crime, and those who do it should be locked up in prison or a mental hospital, if they are truly delusional and not LEGALLY responsible.

BUT ... if we weren't being fed this constant diet of "if it feels this good, you must be the one, and there's no other in the world," we would be less likely to take drastic measures to hold onto or win back the person we perceive as The One, or kill ourselves if The One refuses our affections.

Listen up, girls: There is no such thing as A Soul Mate, what Dr. Susan Forward ("Obsessive Love") calls the One Magic Person, or as Demi Moore's character put it in the movie "The Butcher's Wife," a split-apart. You don't have an "other half." If you aren't a whole person, you aren't a good candidate to build a relationship with another whole person.

It's not a tragedy if HE doesn't love you. It's a disappointment, nothing more. There are lots of others with whom you can click just as beautifully, and who have the potential to become your Mr. Wonderful. Go read "He's Just Not That Into You," then go find them!

And I've said this before, but I'll say it again: The soul has many facets, and each one has its mate(s). Most Messrs. Wonderful suck at girl talk, and unless you're gay/bi, your girlfriends won't satisfy you sexually. Friend A may be your political soul mate, while Friend B is the one you bond with over movies, and Friend C is the one with whom you share the secrets you won't even share with your lover/spouse.

This isn't a lecture. This is hard-won wisdom from someone who has been there, done that, and got the T-shirt, the soundtrack album AND the bumper sticker.