Obsession pays off ... or does it?

This is an edited version of another Catbox post.

I have read and heard over the years that everything we do, we do because there is a "payoff"; we are getting something out of it.

I have no dealings with Toxic Jock (that's J.R. Gach, for those who might be Googling) whatsoever. It's been almost four years since he did his hit-and-run emotional rape act, and more than two years since I broke free of the acute obsession that had me e-mailing him daily, trying to reawaken those (false) feelings he'd once expressed for me.

BUT ... I still think about him a LOT. With anger, resentment and bitterness. I despise him for what he did to me, my psyche, my finances and my relationships. I resent him for my being in this situation where every day is still a struggle to repair all those damaged parts of my life.

I still check radio boards daily -- several times daily -- for news about him, preferably news that his career and/or his current relationship have crashed and burned. He just started his new venture -- an Internet radio show -- this week, so there has been more news than usual on the Internet, and I am devouring it. (The relationship is still intact. I refuse to listen to his show, but word from those who have is that it's horrible.)

I find myself in this condition mostly during the work week, when I am not interacting with others. (I live alone and I work as a writer/copy editor, which doesn't require much face-to-face with my co-workers.) When I'm with NiiceDuude, with friends, practicing with the Solidarity Singers or Pokingbrook, Toxic rarely if ever pops into my head.)

And I wonder WHY. What am I getting out of this? What's the payoff for hanging onto these feelings of bitterness, resentment and hatred?

Could it be that letting it go would feel like downplaying, minimizing or invalidating what he did? HE is not wasting a nanosecond on me, so perhaps my expending so much energy on it is my way of ensuring that it doesn't go unacknowledged/unpunished. (Like being the only one visiting someone's grave regularly, to make sure that somebody remembers.) Except that the one who really DESERVES the punishment isn't getting it; I am.

And I WANT him punished. I am THIS CLOSE to writing the "Oh, my God, you killed NiiceLaady! You bastard!" letter, and sending it, even though I know that it will probably go unanswered ... and laughed at.

My obsession no longer feels like something out of my control. I feel as if I can stop it, IF I can find the cause.

I posted this later:

This is the thought that came to me today as I was reading and digesting everyone's responses:

"SOMEONE has to take it seriously!"

I wasn't just "loved and left." I was emotionally raped. This man (and I use that term loosely) pretended to have feelings for me that caused me to have feelings I didn't even WANT to have, then tossed me aside. This turned my world upside down and inside out and shrank it to a tiny J.R.-sized ball of pain. For almost TWO YEARS.

Letting go, to me, means giving in to all the well-meaning folks (not here) who have told me, "Jeez, get over it already. What's the big deal? You can barely call what you had a relationship. And you've got a great guy! Why do you even give a cr@p about J.R.? He's not worth it!"

It IS a big deal, and someone has to keep making it one until ...

Until what? That's the big question.

I am SO glad I have a therapist visit tomorrow.