Comforted but also pissed!

I recently heard from a fellow "survivor" of Toxic Jock Syndrome, aka the J.R. Gach Experience.

I will protect her identity and I won't quote her words here, but suffice to say that I had been dying to talk to someone who experienced not just "something like" what J.R. did to me, but the exact same thing. It is very comforting to know that I am not alone. There are others; we could get quite the support group going if we all found one another.

But I can't help but being VERY angry -- not at her, at him -- to discover that not only did J.R. feed her the same bullshit he fed me, but he did it to both of us SIMULTANEOUSLY, in March of 2003.

So while this RAT BASTARD was telling me how beautiful and brilliant and witty I was and that I might just be The One, he was telling someone else the SAME THING at the SAME TIME!

This dispelled any lingering notions I might have had that he actually DID feel something for me. It was never real. It was all lies, all a game. I knew that, but I guess I still had some hope that maybe there was something real there, even if it was just his bipolar disorder talking.

And as pissed as I am at him, I am just as pissed at myself. I wasted almost two years of my life, almost threw away the best relationship I ever had, and let my finances go down the toilet, and am still trying to recover from all that, over NOTHING. It's as if I trashed all that was real and beautiful in my life to pursue something that LOOKED real and beautiful but turned out to be a mirage ... or a robot.

Some have said that I should get over it already, but it is easier said than done when I have daily reminders, FOUR YEARS LATER, of the damage his stupid game playing did to me -- depression, fucked-up finances, lingering issues with NiiceDuude.

Twenty years ago I dated a guy who, when I complained about something not being fair, would whip out a dictionary and say, "You want fair? It's in here!" Even JFK said life isn't fair. But I still crave some fairness, some justice from this experience -- even a simple acknowledgment from the Toxic One that what he did to me was unconscionable. But of course, he has no conscience, so he doesn't know the meaning of that word.

You're good, Junior. You are so fucking charismatic that you sucked me in without even addressing me personally. Your words on the radio were enough to have me thinking you would be tons of fun to hang out with. Then when you did start addressing me personally, with just the right words ... I was so sure there was something very special there.

Remember the show about the married woman coming on to Pi? There were some comments, from you, him and callers, about how married women are "sticky" -- as in, you can't get rid of them after you've had your way with them. They go and divorce their husbands and take other drastic measures you wish they hadn't. All for you.

Know why? Because for a woman in a committed relationship to even THINK about getting with someone else, what she is feeling for that someone else has to be extraordinary. She's thinking that maybe she picked wrong all those years ago and this could be The One. That is what you made me feel with your MEANINGLESS words. And my life is a shambles because of them.

This post is morphing into an e-mail that I desperately want to send to him but probably won't because he will either block it or make fun of it. But it felt good to write it. Time to stop.