I'm back! No, really, I'm back.

Nothing in this post is intended as a slam on anyone. Well, except for J.R. Gach, aka Toxic Jock, aka the Evil One. And me. But definitely not NiiceDuude. I take full responsibility for the heartburn I've suffered lately surrounding our relationship.

Being possessed by the Evil One was like being in a cult. What do people in cults do? They live to please the Master. They cut off their family, friends and outside interests. They give all their money to the cult. Well, I had no money to give -- although I did bust my budget to impress J.R. on his birthday one year -- but I let my finances go down the toilet by neglecting my obligations during that time.

I definitely cut off my loved ones and outside interests, though. I went to festivals, etc., but was merely going through the motions. All I could think of was how much more fun it would be if he were part of it all. I never stopped loving NiiceDuude, and being in awe of the patience he showed me during that horrible 18 months. But the thing that mattered most was trying to reawaken the feelings J.R. had expressed for me, feelings I know now weren't real, but you couldn't convince me of that at the time.

I snapped out of it. But old habits die hard. I had become somewhat physically, and totally emotionally isolated while I was obsessing over J.R., and I continued in that pattern. I was once again enjoying the people and things I'd neglected, but it took longer to get out there and make the connection.

And during the time I was unavailable, ND was forging some very deep connections with people who aren't me. That didn't bother me while I was possessed/obsessed. But once I got over it, it did. People were inviting him, and not me, to things -- a mutual friend's play, a daughter's wedding, a work party. And not only did they not think to ask both of us, neither did he think to include me, assuming that I wouldn't be interested or available.

I felt less like his girlfriend and more like a "friend with benefits," as the young 'uns put it. As in, he has all these people he's close to, but the only difference between them and me is that I'm the one he's sleeping with. And I'm still not sure what hurts more, that our friends started seeing us as individuals instead of as a couple or that he did.

This came to a head over Mother's Day weekend, and I realized that if I want to be front and center in his life again, I have to make him front and center in mine. That means I have to be available. I have urged him to please ask, when he is invited to something I might enjoy, if I can come along. Even if I'm not available because of work or a prior commitment, I want to be asked. I have also made a point of showing up for things and offering my help with projects he takes on (case in point: tonight's folding, spindling and mutilating of the GGG programs).

This is not just about being there for him, although that's most of it. It's also about reminding the people around us that I still exist and want to be part of things again.

I think it's working.

Sorry for the length of this post. It's been simmering a while.