Why are you still here, Toxic Jock?

I am OVER J.R. Gach. I want nothing more to do with this fat bastard who turned my soul inside-out with his lies. Who was full of these brilliant seduction lines that had me contemplating throwing away my life. Who went from treating me like a queen to dissing me in public as a freak and worse. Who left me wondering how feelings as intense as those he expressed could just vanish into thin air -- until I realized that the reason they did that was THEY WEREN'T REAL TO BEGIN WITH.

I am in the anger stage of grieving. Grieving for something I was so sure was real, something that left me honored and flattered and dedicated to pleasing him. I've posted before that being in J.R.'s orbit was like being in a cult. It is so true. But Kool-Aid has no nutritional value.

Why do I still visit radio forums several times a day, looking for validation of my hatred for him? Why am I semi-obsessed with seeing him crash and burn? And he has, sort of; Levine fired his fat ass a few weeks ago and I am still doing a happy dance. If the evil he did to me doesn't come back to bite him in the ass, at least the defection of listeners like me has left him jobless.

It's the dreaded C word -- closure. I still entertain, in the far reaches of my brain, this fantasy that he will wake up, realize the horrendous damage he did to me with his lies and his games and atone, apologize or at least acknowledge. But that's not going to happen. I might as well fantasize about hitting the lottery.

I have found a lot of sites and boards online devoted to narcissistic personality disorder. Junior hasn't been diagnosed with NPD -- instead he is bipolar with borderline personality disorder. But his behavior? Textbook NPD. And if it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, does insurance commercials like a duck ... well, you know.

These fine women have taught me that it is NOT easy to get over. The NPD's lies disrupt your total perception of reality, and that is not something easily reconstructed. Bottom line: I'll be over it when I'm over it. Apologies to Yogi Berra.

Meanwhile, I'm doing what I can physically and emotionally to re-enter the loop, to reconnect with the REAL people with whom I have REAL connections and not just some illusion of a friendship that could have been and a more-than-friendship that never was.

Yes, I'm rambling. Your point?